After a month of mooning and hoping that things might just get right at the right time, I finally gave up and called him. Before I called him, I knew it was over. I tried to let it pass thinking that I may just have the strength to forget whatever disappointments I have of him and continue where we left off. But I can't. It was too much to bear. And I don't really have the strength to continue batterring my heart. I am tired of crying every night. As much as I love him and is hoping of being with him for the few years left of my life, I cannot continue with the way things are going on right now. I am trying to make things work and he's not even thinking of trying. It takes two to tango and I am doing a lonely dance.
I haven't cried the hardest since my daughter died. The difference is that, with my baby, it was a hopeless case. It was out of my hands. It was something I cannot control in any way. Whereas with this heartbreak, it was something that can be nourished thereby giving you half the control to make it work. But like I said, I did the best with my half. He did his half badly.
I was at the lowest point of my life when he came back. He took me up again. I never expected that he'll drag me back down. What is so painful is that I don't know the real reason. Really, whatever the reason I can get to accept as long as there is one. But keeping me blind is making it very hard.
Another loss. Another low. I have to get over this hurdle again and get up and move on. The last thing I want to feel is to pity myself.
After everything, I still wish him well. I love him you know. I am hurt at how this turned out to be but I don't regret it. At least I tried one last time to make things work for us. I took the risk and although I failed to make the relationship work, I didn't fail to let him know that I love him. Besides, my time is short. This could have probably saved me from mourning more on what could have been.
The End.
Loser
It has been 2 weeks since I have spoken to him. The last time we talked, he was drunk. He told me he would call me in the morning. I guess it was drunken talk then. I do remember that he wanted to lay low on me. That's the only reason why I am not calling him. I am giving him all the space he wants. Yet it's painful. It has been hard for me to go through the days not knowing what's really going on. It's like a gray area. I don't understand why we're not talking. It's hard when you're in love. Wherever angle you look, you always end up as the loser when things go wrong. And right now, I'm the biggest loser.
