It has just been over a week and I can't seem to go on. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go on with this. I tried ignoring it - reading lots of books, going out to whoever whenever, watching lots of movies - to no avail. I don't know what to do. It's sad. I am happy but thoughts, really bad ones, linger on my mind. I know this is just my problem. This is not his problem. I just hope I can go through this. With no one to talk to, no one to share this with, I really don't know if I can keep up. I can only pray.
Paranoia
it's 11:53pm
and i can't sleep. it's so damn hot that i can't sleep. grrr!
i just finished reading my second book of the day. i finished blackwood farm by anne rice early this morning and heaven and earth by nora roberts awhile ago. too much reading in one day. too much but not enough. :)
today was my day off from work as i had a scheduled doctor's appointment. good news! they think i'm doing fine at the moment. after reminding me of my medications (and changing some doses), he says he'll see me in 6 months. whoaaa!! 6 bleeping months!!! oh no. i complained. i got afraid. 6 months is a long time. my doctor actually laughed at my reaction. he thinks i'm really fine from all the blood tests i took but i asked for 3 months. we made a deal at 4 months. :) i hope i'm still okay come october.
we will be moving to a new house at the end of the month. got a lot of packing to do. i really hate packing. i've got all the boxes but i think i'll just place them all in garbage bags. much easier. :) i'm pretty excited on how i'm going to decorate my new room! but first i really have to start packing. :(
still am not sleepy. guess book 3 is coming...
just have to share this :)
Currently watching A Simple Life with Paris and Nicole.
Nicole's phone is ringing while they're hanging out with they boy-friends.
Paris: Turn that off. We're having quality time.
Nicole: Fuck that phone. Sorry. I can't help it.
Paris: That's her favorite word.
Nicole: My favorite action too.
LOL! Oh well. Corny.. Hehehe... I bet that's everybody's favorite action too. Hehehe...
gugmang gi-ahak
Just as I thought this day is going to be the same ordinary day I always have, my ex-boyfriend texted me. It has been over a month since our last communication so it was a welcome and good surprise. He told me he'll be going back home. That was good news for him, and it was for me too. Except that I also feel sad because it seems that the day is coming sooner than later that he's finally slipping away.
I have a lot of doubts about his true feelings for me. After everything that happened to me, and to us since our break-up, I don't know if he's really sincere of getting back with me. A part of me thinks that he really does truly love me. After breaking up with him, getting pregnant with another guy, he still wants me back. What kind of guy would do that if he doesn't sincerely love a girl? Right? On the other hand, a part of me also thinks that he's got another plan - like he's planning something to get back at me. Like make me fall deeply in love with him again (as if it really was gone?!) and then leave me hanging and hurt afterwards. Paranoid ey?
I don't know. I really don't know. I don't want to analyze his feelings anymore. I want to let go of my doubts and inhibitions and just let him know that I love him. He knows I do. I did told him I still have feelings for him. I told him once and I hope that is enough for him for now. I find it wrong to tell him I love him knowing that he still has a girlfriend. That's another thing - he has a girlfriend. He says he loves me yet he has all these other women. Duh?!? Another reason why I'm really doubtful.
Too many apprehensions. All I know and I'm sure of right now is that I love him and I want to be with him asap. On what to do next is what I don't know.
At times I want to do something to make things happen. I'm anxious to be with him but I'm afraid to do it. Other times, I just want to wait and see how things will come and go with whatever flow it goes to. Yet it's exasperating. I am a doer. I don't like waiting. I hate waiting. Yet I am actually waiting..
This is distressing. I hope I would know our status by the end of this month. I don't care if it's going to be a sad ending or a happy one as long as it's an ending. Right now, I feel like my life is at a halt and I really need to get moving. Hope my destiny's a good one.
Wish me luck!
Torn
The family I'm living with will be moving at the end of the month and they want me to move with them to their new house. That is really a nice gesture from them and I would love to go with them. Problem is, it would be far from my friends that are all living in the area we live right now. If I move with them, I would have to commute everytime I want to see my friends here which takes about 2 15-min bus rides. Seems like an easy task ey? For now it is as it's still spring. Summer and fall would be fine too. But winter??? Arggghhhh! I don't want to think about it. I don't want to go into hibernation when winter comes. It's 4-5 months damn it!
I do have another option. I could live with another family friend. But the problem is she has 2 kids and I don't know if I'm ready to be around kids for more than 24 hours right now. I am really bad with kids and I would just torture them as much as they torture me. Honestly, she has a beautiful baby girl whose 5 months old and seeing her daughter would just bring back memories. I don't want anymore nightmares.
Decisions decisions decisions. I'll have this weekend to decide with the pros and cons to consider on each side.
