gugmang gi-ahak

Just as I thought this day is going to be the same ordinary day I always have, my ex-boyfriend texted me. It has been over a month since our last communication so it was a welcome and good surprise. He told me he'll be going back home. That was good news for him, and it was for me too. Except that I also feel sad because it seems that the day is coming sooner than later that he's finally slipping away.

I have a lot of doubts about his true feelings for me. After everything that happened to me, and to us since our break-up, I don't know if he's really sincere of getting back with me. A part of me thinks that he really does truly love me. After breaking up with him, getting pregnant with another guy, he still wants me back. What kind of guy would do that if he doesn't sincerely love a girl? Right? On the other hand, a part of me also thinks that he's got another plan - like he's planning something to get back at me. Like make me fall deeply in love with him again (as if it really was gone?!) and then leave me hanging and hurt afterwards. Paranoid ey?

I don't know. I really don't know. I don't want to analyze his feelings anymore. I want to let go of my doubts and inhibitions and just let him know that I love him. He knows I do. I did told him I still have feelings for him. I told him once and I hope that is enough for him for now. I find it wrong to tell him I love him knowing that he still has a girlfriend. That's another thing - he has a girlfriend. He says he loves me yet he has all these other women. Duh?!? Another reason why I'm really doubtful.

Too many apprehensions. All I know and I'm sure of right now is that I love him and I want to be with him asap. On what to do next is what I don't know.

At times I want to do something to make things happen. I'm anxious to be with him but I'm afraid to do it. Other times, I just want to wait and see how things will come and go with whatever flow it goes to. Yet it's exasperating. I am a doer. I don't like waiting. I hate waiting. Yet I am actually waiting..

This is distressing. I hope I would know our status by the end of this month. I don't care if it's going to be a sad ending or a happy one as long as it's an ending. Right now, I feel like my life is at a halt and I really need to get moving. Hope my destiny's a good one.

Wish me luck!