My abs hurt. Really really hurt. My shoulders also hurt. I went to a belly dancing class last Wednesday and up to now, my abs and my whole body still hurt. Man! I didn't know belly dancing is that hard to learn. You have to have the energy and the concentration to move just that particular part of your body. Still, I actually enjoyed the class. I guess it woke up other parts of my body as they really hurt. The pain feels like the pain I got the first time I started the gym. Oh well! I look forward to next Wednesday. :)
Belly Dancing
I give up!
We have made up. Well, sort of. I called him up and after some bitching from me, we made up. It's not my style to make the first move especially if it's not my fault. From my point of view, it is not my fault that I got upset with him. But I have been getting less sleep because of it and I decided if I have to swallow my pride just so I can sleep well then I just have to do it. So I called, argued with him and can't really win the fight. I think I was just arguing the whole time with myself. I was talking to a drunk person!! Oh well, I let off my steam and I felt a little bit fine. He said he would call me the next day but didn't really call. I really give up now. I am not
expecting anything from him anymore. If he wants space, then he can have all the space. I am not calling him ever unless he asks me to. Enough is enough. Right now, I am trying to forget that I have a boyfriend. I love him but he's not the end-and-all of my life. I'll have him at the back of my head in the next few days. I do have another life here besides thinking of him always.
It's summer and it's camping time. We'll have our annual summer camping this weekend. Yohooo! Am sooo excited! I can't wait. Last year, I wasn't able to drink as I was pregnant at that time. Now I intend to get drunk. Might as well especially that I am upset about the status of my lovelife. Camping goal: get drunk and forget Darwin for a night.
July 30 - my niece's bday. Happy birthday Fionna! She's 2 now. Oh how I miss her. :(
Foolish Pride
I am not the jealous type. Never have been. Until now. Perhaps this goes with age. Or maybe because I haven't really been my old confident self lately.
I went into my boyfriend's emailbox this morning. I know this is bad but I really have my boyfriend's permission to do this. He's got lots of spam that I need to delete. Anyway, I went in and discovered an email from a girl that has been opened. I opened it (of course!) and there was a picture of the girl. She's not pretty (I am telling the truth!) but I am pissed.
First, why is the email still there? If he had the time to open and read it, he should have the time to delete it so I wouldn't be able to read it. My! Talk about being discreet!! He knows I open his email so he knows I would get to read it. So maybe he wants me to read it. For what?!? So I would feel what I'm feeling now?? Whining and feeling jealous?? 'tang ina. I hate this. If he's in front of me I would torture him for doing this. Hmmm. Sweet torture. :)
If only we are not on cold war right now, I would call and confront him on this. But we're not on speaking terms. Well that's just actually according to me. I could call him but I want him to call me. My foolish pride.
So I would go out tonight and have a drink. I need to get drunk and forget about this for awhile.
BTW, today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. I greeted him a happy birthday for old time's sake. I always feel sad when I think of him. Sad that I couldn't give back the same feelings he has for me. Sad that I hurt him. I really hope he would find the right one for him one day.
foolish impulse
since we have moved to a new house, i have spent a lot of time with myself. when before i spend most of the times out of the house (either malling or just around the neighborhood), now i stay at home - or rather i stay in my room. i have gone back to reading books till my eyes drop or till my back aches after all the different positions of reading. and sometimes, i just stop and start thinking and analyzing as to how my life is going on and where it's going.
i hate it when i start thinking. coz most of the time, i end up analyzing my relationship with my fiance. wow! that sound's nice. haha! looks like i'm really getting hitched. anyway, back to my fiance *kilig*, i had again analyzed our situation yesterday and i ended up sending him a text message telling him that i give up. give up on what i really don't know. it's up to him to interpret it. i was just upset and i wasn't really serious. serious but not serious. (???) i had hoped it would provoke him to get him to call me. it didn't work. he didn't call me. now i'm terrified (really!) as to what happens next. do i wait for him to call? do i call him and take my words back? shit! me and my impulsive actions! it has been a long time since i let my impulse get the better of me. well, it has been a long time since we were back together. when i'm with him, i really become neurotic and paranoid. man! this love is killing me! i hate him for doing this to me. why can't he just call me and tell me he loves me then all's well and ends well.
i hope i can take this. patience is a virtue. unfortunately, i don't have it.
i have to read the book or i'll go crazy.
The Way to Love
The Way To Love
by Anthony de Mello
In times of distress - when I feel that I am being neglected; when I feel like the world owes to care for me; when I feel like everything I expect should happen as it should - I read this favourite book of mine. It not only teaches me to understand people and situations, it also gives me the strength to let go, not just something, but everything.
When you love someone, you get attached. Your life becomes a mess because your happiness now relies on somebody. It's hard and frustrating because you are trying to control something that is beyond your reach. Reading the book, you learn to let go of your frustrations and focus your mind on your ownself. You learn to control your feelings by understanding the situation and the person you love. Freeing your mind and your heart is very hard and the process is really hard. It takes a lot of concentration. But if you try hard to understand, you'd somehow make it. And then you will feel peace and happiness for whatever is happening. Somehow, you learn to accept things as they are without questions but just gladness and gratitude .
Dreaded July
For the past days, a lot has happened. I moved to a new house. I went back to my first boyfriend. I went back to the gym after skipping for 2 weeks. I got broke.
The new house we moved to is actually nicer. It's a single bungalow house and compared to the townhouse we lived before, the rooms are bigger and the backyard is so nice. :) I am just exhilarated with the big room and I am so excited decorating it. Yet after more than 2 weeks, I haven't really done anything much - except for making it tidy, for now. Before August ends, my bedroom should look the way I imagined it would look like. How's that for my deadline? More than a month ey? :)
My very first boyfriend and I got back in each others arms. After everything that happened, I believe we have come to be mature and are stronger now that we have come to understand each other and ourselves better with regards to our relationship. When I'm with him, reason goes out of my way. I become petty and thrives on arguments with him. I don't know and I don't understand it. My only way to cope up is to think of happy thoughts - all happy memories of us, and to read a book. Right now, we haven't talked reasonably and playfully and romaticly for 2 weeks. Yes I am counting! Well he called me a week ago but that does not count as we weren't really talking. I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like I am just waiting for the bomb to tick and explode. And he is the bomb! Grrrr. Now that is not a happy thought.
Speaking of books, I have read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown and I am super impressed! So far, it currently ranks with my all-time favorite Windmills of the Gods by Sidney Sheldon. I am currently reading Angels and Demons still by Dan Brown - and man! He is now becoming my flavor. =)
For a week, I had my visit and got the night shift at work so I skipped the gym. Then the week after, I got really sick of cough. I think it was a side effect of the big dosage of one of my prescriptions. I went back to my old dosage and I went fine after that. I do really need to call my doctor for this as he doesn't know yet that I haven't followed his dosage. I hope I can remember to call him this Monday. So last Monday, I went back and man it was hard! I'm just happy I got back. Now my whole body is still sore. This makes me encourage never to skip the gym again even for a week.
Lastly, I am broke. Last week, my brother emailed me telling me he lost his cell phone. Asked for some money to buy a new one. Told him he can use the money I sent last month to his account. Sometime this week, I again got an email from him again telling me his wallet was stolen. Holy fucking shit! Now what am I supposed to do with this? Said he just withdrawed his salary and his rent payment is there. Man! What a lousy month. No choice. Ever the good sister, I sent him the money he needed last Friday.
I am supposed to be in Toronto this weekend for some vacation. But because of an unforeseen circumstance, it got postponed. August is the next plan. I really hope that would push through. A vacation is what I most need right now.
