foolish impulse

since we have moved to a new house, i have spent a lot of time with myself. when before i spend most of the times out of the house (either malling or just around the neighborhood), now i stay at home - or rather i stay in my room. i have gone back to reading books till my eyes drop or till my back aches after all the different positions of reading. and sometimes, i just stop and start thinking and analyzing as to how my life is going on and where it's going.

i hate it when i start thinking. coz most of the time, i end up analyzing my relationship with my fiance. wow! that sound's nice. haha! looks like i'm really getting hitched. anyway, back to my fiance *kilig*, i had again analyzed our situation yesterday and i ended up sending him a text message telling him that i give up. give up on what i really don't know. it's up to him to interpret it. i was just upset and i wasn't really serious. serious but not serious. (???) i had hoped it would provoke him to get him to call me. it didn't work. he didn't call me. now i'm terrified (really!) as to what happens next. do i wait for him to call? do i call him and take my words back? shit! me and my impulsive actions! it has been a long time since i let my impulse get the better of me. well, it has been a long time since we were back together. when i'm with him, i really become neurotic and paranoid. man! this love is killing me! i hate him for doing this to me. why can't he just call me and tell me he loves me then all's well and ends well.

i hope i can take this. patience is a virtue. unfortunately, i don't have it.

i have to read the book or i'll go crazy.