I woke up and looked at my laptop. Wallpaper. Grabbed my cellphone.
6:10am. Empty. No new message. No miss call.
I fell asleep last night thinking about you. Now I wake up and you're
the first thought that came to my mind. Sheesh! I hate that. I
really feel pathetic and stupid about this missing you always. It has
been a constant semblance that it's making me hate you. Yes. I miss
you and I hate you for that.
Grrrrr. 2 hours have passed and I'm still pathetic. Grrrr grrrr!
Pathetic!
preoccupied
i've been reading a lot of blogs lately and one is really inspiring me to make my blog a serious hobby. haha! me serious ba na hobby? nyehehe.. actually, i have been thinking of that for a long time. pero first, i want to have my own domain. kaya lang it doesn't fit into my finances yet. if my mind agrees with my reasons, kaskas na naman sa card ko to. syet! gastos na naman. arrgggh!
***
just read an article about finding your confidence back after a breakup. took my thoughts back again to my recent breakup. tangina naman. bakit laging bumabalik ang isip ko sa tanginang lalaking yun?! am supposed to be over him. supposed to be.. there i go! how should i know nga ba na over na ako? god! nalilito na talaga ako!! i really should stop analysing everything to the grain.
***
never settle for anything less.
never settle for anything less.
never settle for anything less.
never settle for anything less.
never settle for anything less.
i don't wanna fall for taken men.
i don't wanna fall for bad-boy men.
i don't wanna fall to any man just because he's there.
i don't wanna fall anymore.
nyehehe...
i need those glued inside my head.
drama queen, OA and KSP!
i'm an easy person to please. mababaw ang ligaya kumbaga. if you've
done something that made me upset, all you really have to do is
apologize. i might be quite a drama queen at first but really, all is
well from that moment you said sorry. parang "you had me at sorry."
duh?!?
my life is so full of drama that i feel na sobrang OA ko na talaga.
sabi nga ng friend ko, KSP na raw ako ngayon. hahaha. and i agree.
i'm just glad he understands.
so he called me last night. hehe. happy na ang lukaluka! i went to
bed around 10 and got his call at 11. i actually saw his pm before i
fell asleep asking if i'm online. being the drama queen that i am, i
didn't reply but was wishing he'd call instead. i fell asleep forcing
him to call. and he did! hahaha. talk about mental telepathy!
we talked till 130am. man! for the first time, i made the move to
end the call. does it mean anything? nothing really. it was just
that i was thinking of my hours of sleep and of the chapters i still
have to read for tax school. shit! i should have finished solving all
the problems for chapter 4 before going to sleep but instead i watched
a movie! grrr! of all the days, bakit ngayon pa nag-rent ng movie.
so now i have all of this day to solve all the problems and read
chapter 5 and 6 too. patay kang bata ka.
confirmation
funny. i just got news back home that my ex-boyfriend got his
girlfriend pregnant. yes, i'm referring to my ex for whom i was
overly mooning a couple of months ago. hahaha! i don't know if it's
normal but it feels strange to hear the news and not be upset about
it. i am not lying! i really am not upset about it. in fact, i felt
relief. i am relieved that our chapter is now confirmed to be over.
looking back, if i had known about this right when we broke up, i
would have been really really devastated. yeah, i was pretty lost and
depressed when we broke up but if i had known this then, i don't know.
i might have flown back home just to kill him - that is judging from
the thoughts i had before. back then, i wanted to go home to kick his
balls when i knew he was cheating. ngyahaha!
ok. another funny thing. my phone buddy is kinda avoiding me. hahaha!
hmmm. i'm not really sure though. it's actually just a feeling. i
just feel that he's been avoiding me. the last time we talked, i fell
asleep and i guess hung up. hahaha! bad me! perhaps he got upset
with that and is now avoiding me? it has been two days and yet he
hasn't sent me any private message to let me know whatever is going
on. and i know he's online. or he knows my number and yet no text
nor any call. hmmm. siguro nagsawa na rin sa kakausap sa akin.
hahaha. funny. i thought i'd be upset that he's not calling me
anymore.
oh well! everything is happening on the right timing. as i'm back to
school, my brain and my time is loaded and i am excited!
keep me busy please. i don't wanna analyse my effin' life anymore.
being single
The gift of being single
By Mariel Calalo
sssweeeet! i found this article about being single as a gift. hmmm.
what a comfort! lolz!
After Sam
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This could have been truly
made to be my mantra for the past two years of my life. I've reached
rock-bottom that I thought I would never find a way to go up and live
again.
First, I found out I am sick. I found out I am suffering from a
chronic disease that doesn't have any cure yet. Imagine someone
telling you you have at most 10 years left of your life. Wouldn't you
go nuts?! I did! I became so depressed and had no direction to go to
but down. What's the point of having goals when you know it's not
going to matter anyway? I thought I would probably die before I get
to make them happen. What's the point of living when you know your
end is near? At that time, I stopped living like I have a future. The
next thing I knew, I have gotten myself pregnant.
At that point of my life, 28 and so very sick of lupus, being pregnant
was the last thing I and my doctors wanted to happen. But then I
didn't really care much as to what was happening to me. Yet knowing
that someone else's life is inside me and is dependent on how the
course of my life goes woke me up from my escapeworld of carelessness.
I decided to make better of myself for my baby. I decided to live
again for my baby. This miracle of procreation gave me a new lease on
life. It gave me the strength to carry on and live again.
Perhaps the Lord thought I need an inspiration to move on even if I'm
sick. He came successful to that aspect. Yet the Lord works in
mysterious ways alright. He gave me my baby but only for awhile. He
took her away too at what I now think was the right time.
She came out too small and not ready to what the world has to offer.
She came out too soon - giving birth to her prematurely at 23 weeks.
From then on, the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) became my home
just as she had her incubator. From the day she was born, it was a
battle of staying alive. Just two weeks after, she have to undergo
surgery to close an open vessel in her heart. The operation was
successful but it was a shortlive happiness. For after that,
complications have arisen. Her lungs, her urine, her liver, her
bowels. Her tiny body could not take life outside my womb anymore.
Her doctors informed me that she's really not alive anymore and that
only the machines are what is making her heart tick. We could go on
for days and the result would still be the same. She's not going to
live long.
Much as I wanted her alive, I didn't want her to suffer. All through
those days, I prayed and prayed like I have never done before. And
yet I didn't know what to ask. Do I ask for my baby to live yet go
through all the pain? Or do I ask for her to just go to stop her pain
as well as mine's. It was hard so I just prayed for His will.
I wanted her to hang on. I want my baby alive. But who can blame me
if I can't take seeing her lying lifeless and fighting a losing
battle? She's my baby. I do not want her to suffer. So when her
heart skipped and stopped again, I didn't asked them to resuscitate
her anymore. I just wanted to hold her. Come to think of it - I
didn't get to hold and carry her until that time, when it was time for
her to go. It was the hardest time of my life.
I got guilty after her death. Guilty because I actually felt relief
afterwards. I got relieved that I didn't have to go to the hospital
everyday anymore. Relieved that I didn't have to cry and worry about
her anymore. I wasn't able to help that feeling and I was and still
am sorry for it.
A lot of good things came out from that experience. The most
important of which is discovering that my mother actually loves me
beyond doubt. That no matter how vile my existence has become, she
will still accept me and will always be there for me. We never had
the best mother-daughter relationship but this episode has become an
opening for me to understand how she see things and to better our
relationship. From now on, I will never underestimate her love.
A year after her death, life has not changed much. Although the scars
will never fade, I have learned to move on and reminisce only the few
happy-sad memories I've had with her. I can still remember the way
her hand was holding my finger. I can still remember the tight grip
she gives me when I am about to go home. I can still remember the
look she gives me whenever she opens her eyes. And tomorrow, October
12, on her first death anniversary, I will take the day to remember
everything, even the very sad times.
Don't Cry Mommy
I know your heart is broken, from the pain of losing me.
But Mommy, I'm so happy, if only you could see.
There are angels all around me, with flowers in their hair.
This place is filled with beauty, God's love is everywhere.
He spared me from the sorrow, that your earth has come to know.
So please don't worry Mommy, 'cause Jesus loves me so.
Heaven's light shines brightly on my little angel face.
If only you could see me, your pain would be erased.
Such happiness is waiting, and one day you will see.
We'll finally meet in heaven, forever, you and me.
Sammuelle Ashley Pascua
(Aug 30 - Oct 12, 2003)
.: I would like to especially thank the Laganson Family for everything. And I mean everything.
.: And to Cha, thanks a lot for being with me through and through.
Retraction
I am a woman. And being such, I have the privilege to change my mind. So I take back how I felt last night. Hehe. Oh well!
Falling
I lasted a week. I somehow knew I wouldn't last long. I have become so vulnerable now that I don't know how to control my feelings anymore. When before I know how to take things slow and be objective on how I see things, I am now freakin' impulsive and helpless and weak.
He's the ultimate sweet guy. Of all the guys I have known (as if I've known a lot. Haha!), he's the sweetest of all. Pwede ngang langgamin sa pagiging sweet. Hehe. Kaya lang he has a girlfriend. We could go on with our mushy talks kaya lang tinatablan na ako. I don't want to offend somebody. I've been on the other side once and it's not a nice spot to be when your boyfriend is getting sweet with another girl. My karma always gets the best of me.
So I decided to end the talks we do on a daily basis. I maybe sad right now but I know this will pass. When I have sorted out my feelings with him, we'll go on with our friendship. When I'll be in control again, we'll continue where we left off.
I do miss him. A lot! I didn't get any sleep last night. I don't think I'll be having any sleep this week. Withdrawal symptoms! Hmmmm. I think I just need a good drink.
oh happy days!
it's been awhile since i've been happy. well, i've been smiling and feeling incredible these days so i must be happy! :)
a lot of things has happened since my last post. the last i had was my break-up. well, i'm quite over that now. i say quite as i'm not yet sure if i'm really over him. i'd like to say i am totally over him but that would be fooling myself. cause i'm not really sure if i am. and i'm not gonna deny that. to get over this heartache, i must acknowledge my feelings, whether i like it or not so i won't get confused. so yeah, i'm not yet sure.
i don't hate him anymore. i don't think about him anymore. i don't care about him anymore. and i really don't want to see him anymore. so i guess i'm over him na. so enough about him. i'm moving on with my life. :)
