After Sam

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This could have been truly
made to be my mantra for the past two years of my life. I've reached
rock-bottom that I thought I would never find a way to go up and live
again.

First, I found out I am sick. I found out I am suffering from a
chronic disease that doesn't have any cure yet. Imagine someone
telling you you have at most 10 years left of your life. Wouldn't you
go nuts?! I did! I became so depressed and had no direction to go to
but down. What's the point of having goals when you know it's not
going to matter anyway? I thought I would probably die before I get
to make them happen. What's the point of living when you know your
end is near? At that time, I stopped living like I have a future. The
next thing I knew, I have gotten myself pregnant.

At that point of my life, 28 and so very sick of lupus, being pregnant
was the last thing I and my doctors wanted to happen. But then I
didn't really care much as to what was happening to me. Yet knowing
that someone else's life is inside me and is dependent on how the
course of my life goes woke me up from my escapeworld of carelessness.
I decided to make better of myself for my baby. I decided to live
again for my baby. This miracle of procreation gave me a new lease on
life. It gave me the strength to carry on and live again.

Perhaps the Lord thought I need an inspiration to move on even if I'm
sick. He came successful to that aspect. Yet the Lord works in
mysterious ways alright. He gave me my baby but only for awhile. He
took her away too at what I now think was the right time.

She came out too small and not ready to what the world has to offer.
She came out too soon - giving birth to her prematurely at 23 weeks.
From then on, the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) became my home
just as she had her incubator. From the day she was born, it was a
battle of staying alive. Just two weeks after, she have to undergo
surgery to close an open vessel in her heart. The operation was
successful but it was a shortlive happiness. For after that,
complications have arisen. Her lungs, her urine, her liver, her
bowels. Her tiny body could not take life outside my womb anymore.
Her doctors informed me that she's really not alive anymore and that
only the machines are what is making her heart tick. We could go on
for days and the result would still be the same. She's not going to
live long.

Much as I wanted her alive, I didn't want her to suffer. All through
those days, I prayed and prayed like I have never done before. And
yet I didn't know what to ask. Do I ask for my baby to live yet go
through all the pain? Or do I ask for her to just go to stop her pain
as well as mine's. It was hard so I just prayed for His will.

I wanted her to hang on. I want my baby alive. But who can blame me
if I can't take seeing her lying lifeless and fighting a losing
battle? She's my baby. I do not want her to suffer. So when her
heart skipped and stopped again, I didn't asked them to resuscitate
her anymore. I just wanted to hold her. Come to think of it - I
didn't get to hold and carry her until that time, when it was time for
her to go. It was the hardest time of my life.

I got guilty after her death. Guilty because I actually felt relief
afterwards. I got relieved that I didn't have to go to the hospital
everyday anymore. Relieved that I didn't have to cry and worry about
her anymore. I wasn't able to help that feeling and I was and still
am sorry for it.

A lot of good things came out from that experience. The most
important of which is discovering that my mother actually loves me
beyond doubt. That no matter how vile my existence has become, she
will still accept me and will always be there for me. We never had
the best mother-daughter relationship but this episode has become an
opening for me to understand how she see things and to better our
relationship. From now on, I will never underestimate her love.

A year after her death, life has not changed much. Although the scars
will never fade, I have learned to move on and reminisce only the few
happy-sad memories I've had with her. I can still remember the way
her hand was holding my finger. I can still remember the tight grip
she gives me when I am about to go home. I can still remember the
look she gives me whenever she opens her eyes. And tomorrow, October
12, on her first death anniversary, I will take the day to remember
everything, even the very sad times.


Don't Cry Mommy

I know your heart is broken, from the pain of losing me.
But Mommy, I'm so happy, if only you could see.
There are angels all around me, with flowers in their hair.
This place is filled with beauty, God's love is everywhere.

He spared me from the sorrow, that your earth has come to know.
So please don't worry Mommy, 'cause Jesus loves me so.
Heaven's light shines brightly on my little angel face.
If only you could see me, your pain would be erased.

Such happiness is waiting, and one day you will see.
We'll finally meet in heaven, forever, you and me.



Sammuelle Ashley Pascua
(Aug 30 - Oct 12, 2003)


.: I would like to especially thank the Laganson Family for everything. And I mean everything.
.: And to Cha, thanks a lot for being with me through and through.