What am I here for?

Have you ever asked that question to yourself? If you did, then I guess you're in the same boat as I am right now - senseless and clueless as to where my life is going. I am not bored, that I can say. Christ! There's a lot going on and a lot I could do to make my life eventful, but for what? What am I here for? For what purpose is my existence? If I would be wiped out from this life right at this moment, nothing would change. I wouldn't really matter. My non-existence wouldn't matter. So why am I here for?

Ever since I knew I was sick, I have been having these moments when I question my existence. Didn't know that shoving your death to your face is quite scary. We all know we'll die but knowing when is really scary. I don't really know exactly when but when you have statistics to compare it to, it's like knowing when the time really is but not exactly as it is. Oh well, I've passed the scary emotions of death. It doesn't even scare me as much as before anymore. In fact, I sometimes want it. And that scares me more now.

But then why would I want to die? What is in store for me when I die? You know what scares me most? Not knowing what's next. That's why I'm scared of death - because I don't really know what's in there. Is it heaven? And what exactly is heaven? Clouds with people in pretty dresses singing and laughing at what? Is it hell then? A place full of hot lava and fire? That I sure don't want to be in. Or is it purgatory? A place full of lost people who don't know where they're going next. Or are we going back to this same place we call earth as a snake?

Just discovered: Whatever is next when I die, I'm not ready for it yet.

I want more of this life - whatever is in it for me. Whether I'm needed or not. Pains and all. But I do still want to know my purpose. That I intend to find out.

I wish I were still 13. The biggest problem I could have is whether I would get in the honor roll or not.

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I am currently twisting my time reading between The Bourne Ultimatum, The Purpose Driven Life, and A Complicated Kindness while listening to both cd's of Alicia Keys over and over again.

I know. I'm crazy. =)

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You can't take anything for granted. You just have to live by the moment.
- Nancy, my aerobics instructor