2004: The year that was.

The year started bleak but it ended with a bang. At least for me.

January   After losing my baby, I spent the next months contemplating whether I wanted to continue my relationship with the father. And as the months went on, it was clear in my mind that I didn't want to go through with it. I wanted to move on and move on without him. I spent the whole month planning on how to break the news to him. I wanted to do it right and as painless as possible.

February   No matter how hard you try not to hurt people, you will always end up hurting them especially if they love and care for you. I told the father my news through a text message. I know. I was a big coward. I could have done it over the phone but I didn't want to hear how painful things would be. It was hard enough through text.

March, April and May   Moving on, it was easy with an old flame coming back. Enrolled in a gym class to lose the weight I packed while pregnant. Went on with my life as normal as possible.

June   I went back to my old flame.
July   Things gone crazy with the old flame.
August   Broke up with the old flame.

September   Bitter. Cold. Mourning another loss. Feeling so stupid. A walking and drunk hypocrite. Nuff said.

October   Celebrated the first death anniversary of Ashley. Not bitter anymore. Found new friends. Found a boylet by assumption. Blissful month.

November   Boylet gone sour and fading to oblivion.

December   Clinically healthy. Cleared for pregnancy. (Hehe..) Found a new job. Hurrayyy! Nothing beats these gifts. =)


I'm so excited of the coming year. With the good vibes starting to come in, I believe it's going to be a great year for me. As the cliche goes, "When it rains, it pours." Since I came here in Canada, I got nothing but headaches and heartaches. The road was so bumpy that I have always thought of turning back. It's only now that I got to see some smoothness that I'm hoping it goes on and on. I believe it will stay.

I can grasp the water now. Blessings have started to come in and it will only get better. It will pour, right? ^_^

HAVE A BLESSED NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

I started writing this when it wasn't so busy at the office yet... and then it suddenly got so busy I ended up with the phrase-sentences.

thanks but no thanks

Thank you for just proving what an asshole your lot is. Thank you for
just proving (again!) what an idiot I am. Your style stinks loser!

Sorry but I needed to vent that out.

Now i'm feeling better.

Happy Holidays!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! ^_^

snafu

it's the end of my 4 days off and nothing exciting nor productive happened. i did designed a new layout for this blog which i tried for only a night. i changed it back to this original layout this morning as i really didn't like the effect. it was too grayish and it felt so me nowadays. gray. full of confusion. unsure.

a friend told me he can't understand me right now. i can't either. now that makes the two of us.

the past is haunting me. it's making me skeptical of anything. now i can't discern truth from phony ones. how could i when right on and there i regard everything as pretense.

the past is haunting me. too much lies. too much pain. too much emotional baggage that it's making me an absolute cynic.

sometimes i wish i had my attitude back when i was still 16 - innocent and naive. yes, easy to be duped, but at least you don't look at life as some war where you need to be armed with your best armour to get through. at least then i just let go of my feelings and love like there's no tomorrow never questioning the other's intentions. that was then. now there's too much to think of. too much to risk.

too much drama.

*sigh*

***

on a lighter note, i got a call from a very good friend way back from college. asked what i would like for christmas. hehehe.. i asked for a mac g5. hahaha.. hmmm.. kulang lang to sa lambing... hehe...

and on a very happy note, i got a call from the employer that i have been waiting for months this afternoon. will be having my last interview come thursday. i can't wait. wish me luck. i really want this job.

***

if i do get the job, 2 out of 3 wishes i had would now be granted. the third wish? hopeless case. i just blew it last night.

2 out of 3. not bad eh?

***

This is How We End

Politeness will be the death of us
And cliches will clothe us in our sleep
Being real never sounded so stereotypical

I am on a mission to forget you
I am going to succeed this time, having failed
In that other mission: to keep you

And spaces will fill our words
Hesitance will fall from our lips
Greetings will echo from the vast distance between us
Until finally we are what we wanted to be all along: friends

caravaggio of peyups

you broke my heart.

did you really?

how could you when it wasn't even whole in the first place?

but you did.

now it hurts like hell again.

da king is dead!

so?

before anything else, yea, i have also succumbed to the fpj thingy. so shoot me!

i can't believe all these people magnifying the personality of fpj. and i hate it when they compare his persona to ninoy aquino. geeez! true, he might be a larger than life figure in the movie industry, but ninoy aquino?!? hello people? for the record, he didn't even served as a barangay captain to qualify as a legal politician per se. so please please don't speak of him in the same breath as ninoy aquino as a national figure and hero.

let me get this straight. i don't have anything against the man. i admire his traits and the way he handled his life. he has all the story of being a poor little boy going big and rich and we can glorify that. i always admire someone overcoming adversity to reach his goal and ambition in life. i admire him for that. i also read a lot about his being a very generous person, helping lots of people in need. i admire him for that too. but now he's dead, they can mourn and mourn. but please don't generalize that everybody's mourning for his death. i don't even know the guy! christ! sorry, but i can't even be empathetic for susan roces. i have more problems to think of than mourning for fpj's death.

come to think of it, they've all forgotten the typhoon victims - those people who are in dire need of help right now. just shows how showbiz filipinos are.

pathetic!

***

now for laughs... hehehhehe...

for Aelred

18th October 2004: Kionisala-Espina Nuptial. Below is my message for Red to be read by Diane on her wedding day. (Today is already the 18th in the Philippines.)

Huiiii!!

Hi Red. I know this should have been a video message but my cam didn't work. Talk about timing there. Instead, I'm asking Diane to read this message for you.

I don't know how to start this. A nice message for you? Like a Friendster testimonial? =)

What can I say of a friend who defines the word? I have always thought that to define you would be to limit you. It's because of you that I've had some of my best laughs, cried hard tears with, experienced frustrations and finally, grow up. You may not know it but I learned a lot from you - how to handle people, problems and most especially, my faith.

When you told me that you're getting married, I was initially shocked. Shocked because I didn't think you would decide something as serious as marriage instantly. But then again, knowing you, the shock subsided. You always made quick decisions when you know you're doing the right thing and when you're sure of everything. So I knew you were sure. It's only when you're not sure that it takes forever for you to decide.

Remember what I told you before about the other guys? That they don't deserve you? It wasn't to ease your heart when they hurt you. They really didn't deserve you. I have always thought that someone better is coming. Someone who will actually be deserving of who you are, of what you are, of what you are capable of giving. I don't know Archie much, but based on our only conversation, and from all your stories of him, I believe he's good. Besides, I have always trusted your judgment. And I'm really happy that you've found your man, yours and yours only.

We have been friends for quite some time now. Sharing many good times, as well as some bad. Bashing the men who hurt us. Cheering each other when down. Let me then take this opportunity to thank you for everything. For always being there when I needed someone to talk to. I can be sure that if I ever want to talk to somebody, you're always there, even at the most unholy hours. You have always been my sounding board. We may be thousands of miles away from each other but distance has never kept us apart. You are always there for me, especially during the low times, and never getting tired of listening. You are the best friendship I have ever experienced. What we have is a pretty testament that friendship requires no length of time and no distance to be true and wonderful. I am really grateful for the privilege of having you as my friend.

Red, I will surely miss the old times - the inuman, the dancing in the room, the movie marathons, the coffee talks, the bedtime conversations. But I am just so happy for you now to think of that. To the both of you, I wish you strength as you pass through each storm with God's tender mercy to help you. May you two always stay the best of friends. Best wishes! I'll talk to you soon.

irony

why is it that when you're not supposed to wake up early you end up waking up early? yet when you need to wake up early, all you want to do is sleep more?

i don't have work today.
i don't have any early appointment.

and i woke up at 7am!

geeez!

tried going back to sleep to no success. might as well make something productive - if this blogging is called productive.. nyehehe..

***

i'll be doing a clean-up today... well, for my room. it's so cluttered that i'm afraid a snake would love to live here. ngyehehe.. i'm exaggerating of course! =D and while i'm cleaning, i guess i'll do my laundry too. now those are what i call productive work! hehe..

my oh so cluttered bed



and my oh so cluttered floor and mirror...

and oh, by the way, today is the beginning of my 4-day loooong weekend. yeyyyy! sweeeet!

random thoughts

i dropped by the mall before going home today as i was out early from work. dropped by the bookstore again.. and bought another book for myself - again.. gosh! i have bought already 3 books in a span of 5 days! and i'm still thinking of buying more! hehehe.. i'm currently uncertain whether to buy the bourne series or not. i watched the bourne identity and bourne supremacy on videos already but i got to scan the bourne supremacy book and the story line was different. that made me puzzled and now i want to buy the book, and the whole 3 bourne series. hmmm.. that would cost me $30 plus tax. grrr.. i really want the books. and i think i will buy it. i'm still just looking for a sign. waiting for a sign. if i get the tbase job, i'll buy it before the year ends. otherwise, i'll have to wait till february of next year. nyehehe.. paliton lang diay dyapon.. =)

***

when i was changing my clothes to a comfy homey one awhile ago, i discovered i wasn't wearing a bra.. and i didn't even noticed it.. till that time. ngyeh! good thing i was wearing a sweater the whole day at work.. or my nipples would have stuck out the whole day.. i may not have the boobsy fats (my fats doesn't like to reside in my boobs.. they're all in my legs!) but i do have nipples.. so a bra is still necessary.. nyehehe.. my point? females should still wear a bra even if they don't have the C, D, or E cups. duh?!?

***

been listening to kelly clarkson's breakaway album recently and i really like her songs. the lyrics are just so nice. her voice is still the same great kelly voice. even better.

and my themesong today..

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me

-Kelly Clarkson

the message

been pretty busy lately. been reading books, watching videos with everyone at home or watching videos alone in my room. last night, i finally finished the "nice message from a friend" for Red's wedding this coming 18th. i was supposed to record a video for her but my webcam is not working. great timing there! just when i need it, it decides not to work!?! i spent one whole night trying to make a decent video for the message but the cam just won't work nice. the video is fine but the audio sucks! grrrr! you can hear a humming background more than my message. so i decided to just make a written message and let one of our good friend read it for me. sounds like a good plan for me. i hope Red won't mind it. it's the thought of the message that counts, right?

ohhh.. 2 days before the wedding.. unsa kaha feeling ni red karon? the
last message she sent was to say "huiii.. hapit na.." hahaha.. i bet she has all these mixed emotions inside. she once told me before that she's not really sure of her decision. she's afraid and doubtful of her decision. but who is ever 100% sure of decisions like that? my advice? go for it! don't be like me who changed my mind, backed out, and made a mess of my life. hehehe.. regrets? perhaps. but you lose some, you learn some, you gain some. so regret doesn't have any space. there's still a lot to be grateful for.

***
read this somewhere..

Regular love heals in two days;
Big love heals in two years;
Great love changes your life.

when oh when will i meet my great love? will i ever get to meet him? or has it passed me by already? pity pity...

***
from my favourite song right now..

i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly
though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
and break away

- Kelly Clarkson

bleeehhhh! hehehe..

early christmas gift

i saw my nephrologist this morning. beforehand, i was really apprehensive of whatever results of my bloodwork done last week. although i feel great, i am actually afraid that deep inside my system, i am getting worse. so i was nervous seeing my doctor again. nervous but definitely eager to see him. i so wanted to know how i'm doing clinically.

and what a relief it is. the very first words my doctor greeted me? "are you planning on getting pregnant again?" he had a big smile on. i was stumped. what the? of course i said "noooo." i was smiling now too. i felt something good was coming. and he said "i just wanted to be sure. but you can if you want to now." what the? hahaha.. i just burst out laughing. my doctor is from india (i think, judging from his looks and last name) and yet he's so canadian now. thinks like a canadian. but nway, he told me the results of my bloodwork and they're all pretty in the normal zone - including my kidney (although it still has protein which is not supposed to be there but very very mild and negligible). and just to be sure, i asked him "how am i doing?" hehe.. i want to hear it straight from him. "you're doing great. i can't offer anything new for you right now. i'll see you in 6 months." big big smile from the both of us. i really wanted to hug him at that time. awwwwwwww.. *wiping fake tears*

so that's my early christmas gift from God. thank you so so much Lord. lubus-lubusin mo na Lord. please let me get the job from tbase. i'll be the happiest person on earth then. please please...

oissst!

yes you.

kamusta ka na?
do you know that i still think of you every now and then?

yes i do.
i still do.

you still haunt me.

today is...

December 8, 2004
Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception
of the Blessed Virgin Mary

:: Please say a rosary for all the victims of the back-to-back-to-back typhoons back home. And please say a decade for me that I may get hired for the job I am currently applying. Please please.


:: and for some reflection, here's a poem i found on the net at www.theinterviewwithgod.com. hope this will inspire you as much as it has inspired me.

THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

"So you would like to interview me?" God asked.

"If you have the time" I said.

God smiled. "My time is eternity."
"What questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What surprises you most about humankind?"

God answered...
"That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again."

"That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health."

"That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future."

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived."

God's hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons
you want your children to learn?"

"To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved."

"To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others."

"To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness."

"To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them."

"To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least."

"To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings."

"To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently."

"To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
"Just know that I am here... always."

~author unknown

now back to my ramblings...

:: I was looking through my archives and realized September is missing. Hmmm. Seems I was sooo down at that time. Hehehe... Sooo drunk most of the time. Sooo heartbroken. Sooo stupid. Sooo September.

:: gail said: "maau kaau ka magmasquerade sa imong true feelings and emotions"

and it's true. i am the master of disguise. i am so good at hiding my real feelings especially when i feel so sad and down. i suddenly make this mask to conceal whatever i am feeling at that moment. it's like a protection so that other people wouldn't get affected by what i'm feeling. i only open up to my closest friends. and if none is near, then i just have to take care of myself by my own in my own space. the walls of my room can attest to that. owww.. this is sappy.

:: aelred said: "makashock daw na magminyo na ko ingon si misoy kay i'm not the marriagable type daw."

hmmm.. the last time i talked to misoy, he kept on asking me why la pa ko nagminyo? does this mean i'm the marriagable type? hehehe.. unfortunately, i have no one to marry to. and don't pity me. i'm not even a bit sad that i don't have a boyfriend right now. gawd! although i miss some of the perks of having a boyfriend, i'm not really looking for that someone again. in time. thing is, i'm not getting any younger. but hey! i'd rather be single than settle for anybody less.

:: hazel said: " hangtod karon manhid gyapon ka?"

we were talking about the conversation i had with a former suitor. she thinks the guy still likes me and i just shrugged off her comments. and then she asked me that question.

i can't remember the first time i was told "manhid" but every now and then, i am always brought to that attention that i am manhid! truth is, i am not. they know i'm not. i am the most sensitive person i have ever known. really. for gawd's sake i even cry on a simple komiks story! but because i am good at concealing my emotions, they say i'm manhid. and i can't blame them. being manhid or frigid or ice-cold is actually just a result of my masquerade.

:: lastly, here's a poem i sooo love the first time i read it. it's funny yet mushy at the same time. got this from the YOU.

L. E. A. ALT164. O
(An Idiot's Guide to Mushy Poems)
By Ricardo A. Palaypay

No.
It is no Hawke and Delpy
in Before sunrise.
Our trains of thought
do not even meet.

Friction is fiction.

We
are much like talcum and diamond
in the Mohs Scale of Relative Mineral Hardness.
The east and west
in the spectrum of worth.

I, a rusty base metal.
She, that glistening gold.

If only today is the Sixth day of creation.
Yahweh, let there be inverse alchemy.
Let me be polarized as a minus
and her, a plus.

random ramblings

i haven't been in any mood to write lately. i have lots of ideas in my head but they're all messed-up. they're all flowing so fast my hand can't keep up with my mind. no coherence. so topsy-turvy. i can't focus on a single topic in a minute. and it's not just about writing. even my mood is muddled. a simple phrase that i get to read on the net could magically shift my mood. yay! this is so perplexing. i'm feeling lethargic. kinda restless when you feel unintelligible. no worries. i'm still sane. just bordering on being lunatic. nyehehe...

okay.. so let's have a free flow...

i just sent an email to my cousin marj. she have emailed me last thursday, texted me just last weekend, and called me this morning while i was in the shower. my oh my! i don't know what's going on with all the fuss to contact me. grabiiii! marj said my mama texted her to ask how i'm doing. that was last sunday morning. i regularly call every weekend on sunday morning there (sat nite here). unfortunately this weekend, i wasn't able to call as i was so tired as i had the flu. that made my mom crazy which made my cousins and my bro crazy too. arggghhh! the power that is my mother! just a text and they all went texting me and calling me pa. hahaha.. i actually called mama late sunday night and all was fine after that. but marj just have to waste her 20 pesos to call me. naulahi sa balita. hehehe..

one of my bestfriends is getting married abruptly. she met her husband-to-be a couple of months ago and boom! they're getting married this dec. 18th!! o di ba shocking?! and if you know red, that is even more astounding news! si aelred? magminyo na? whew! *wiping imaginary forehead sweat* oh well, i'm really so happy for her. i wish i'd also find my own whirlwind knight even in a rusty armour. nwey, red asked me to go home for her wedding. wanted so much as she was offerring to pay half of my airfare. yey! my other good friend hazel who's also getting married come jan 9 seconded with 10% of my fare. yey! yey! tempting propositions. if only i could go home. i have nothing left on my vacation leave. if i go, i wouldn't have any work when i get back. i was hoping to get hired in one of the companies i applied for but there has been no update. grrrrr! the world is not cooperating with my wants. hehe.. oh well! i guess it's not really meant for me to go home yet. not yet... something unexpected might happen again.. *evil grin*

ewwwww! gross! i just swallowed my own phlegm unintentionally... yuckkkkk! umm... did i have to plug that over here? hehehe... i know i know.. i am totally groSS!!!

***
chismis today: diet and kristine are already married.

no ny in ny

i'm sad.
i'm disappointed.
i'm frustrated.

my friend and i planned to celebrate new year in new york. me visa na siya. ako wala pa. like i always do, i procrastinated on the visa application. and now it's too late. i can't book a fucking appointment at the embassy that would get me a visa before dec 29. the earliest i could get is jan 4. hello? tapos na new year nyan. waaaaaaaa! *sniff sniff* goodbye new york... =(

***
:: I still don't know if I want you. But believe me, WHEN I do, I will have you. And all the universe will conspire for me to have you.

hwayt

and then there was snow....

***

.: ang themesong ng buhay ko ngayon :.

If I had the chance love
You know I would not hesitate
To tell you all things I never said before

Don't tell me it's too late
'Cause I've relied on my illusions to keep me warm at night
And I've denied in my capacity to love

But I am willing to give up this fight
Oh I am willing to give up this fight

~Dirty Little Secret (Sarah McLachlan)