can anybody please get me one of these.. hehe..
- mac g5
- mp3 miniplayer
- yoga pants
- canon digital camera
- boylet (yes a boylet, not a boyfriend)
02 dec 04 :. yoko na boylet. sakit pala ng ulo at heart yun. ngyeh!
*wishlist*
Empty...
... that's what we are without Him.
I had a talk with someone last night. I have been acquainted to him before but I couldn't really call him a friend at that time yet. We're the hi-hello type. The how are you? Kamusta? But last night, I saw him on a different light. For a long time, I finally met someone who's so kind and so real that I'm just really glad and thankful that he's there. I don't easily open up and tell my life story, especially my love story. But with him, I felt so relaxed and so free to tell him everything. It was wierd. And I am thankful that he was there - listening. Just listening. Not even criticizing my life and my decisions. Not even offering a coherent advice, except for one - pray.
He wasn't preachy with his thoughts when he elaborated. His words were so simple yet I didn't really came to think of them before. And most important of all, he have enlightened my thoughts. He's like a light that made me reflect on myself - on how my life is doing. And he's pretty right... I have forgotten God. I know. I haven't really prayed seriously for a looong time. I go to church but I am just there, present, but not really picking up the message. I listen and then forget about it the moment I walk out of the door.
There's a very big space in my life right now. So empty. I've been looking for ways to fill in the void and can't find one. Now I know why. I've been looking at the wrong sides, wrong ways, wrong things, wrong people. So wrong.All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours
Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You
Thank you J. I think you're my angel. I'll see if I can make it good this time. I'll try. ^_^
picture perfect
nothing much going on with my life. now that i am over my boylet, painom-inom na naman. hehe. la lang. lay lingaw. that's what's nice if you have a guy you get to be fond of - you have something to think of. you get to feel all kinds of emotions that will keep you busy for a while. but that's what a boylet is also for, momentary bliss. he makes you smile today, tomorrow he makes you puke. well, i haven't really puked. hehe... we're getting to be good friends. tsismisan na kung nag-uusap. how's your date? was it wholesome? naka score ka? yayaya.. he's found another girl within his proximity and i think they're going to fuck soon. wahaha. sayang! di ako naka-score. heh!
next please...
pictures na lang muna.. feast on! =)
baby girl Laganson-Lezada
all smiles for the despidida photo
and lastly... my various poses with the bud.. hehe..
"Clinically Normal"
That's what my rheumatologist told me the last time I saw her. That was a week ago. She asked to meet me again after 3 months. Normally, when I wasn't clinically normal yet, she meets me every month. Blood tests every month too. 3 months is quite long for me. I don't know whether to be relieved or afraid. What if in the second month my blood changed its mind and decided to attack and kill me again. Hehe. We'll have our heart to heart talk. I hope Ms. Bloodyhell listens to me.
Week after next, I'll be seeing my nephrologist. I wish he'd also say that I'm "clinically normal." Then I'd drink till I drop this Christmas. Ngyahaha.
Sole wish this christmas: "To be clinically normal."
Please Lord. Even for just a year. Then next year, I'll ask for the same. Hehehe.
battery empty
i told my phonebuddy na maghiwalay na kami.. errr, i mean lalayo na ako. nakalimutan ko, di pala kami mag-on. hehe.. i thought it was a helpless case kaya nag surrender na ako. i told him my feelings and then said my goodbye. natapos usapan namin around 8pm. nakatulugan ko yung break-up namin... errr, paglayo ko pala. i woke up around midnight kasi ihing-ihi ako. chatted with some friends for awhile para ibalita yung break-up namin... errr, yung decision kong paglayo. then tulog ulit after a few minutes.
i called in sick today. i'm not really sick physically, but emotionally, i'm so drained. i know i'm just going to have a hard day at work so i decided to just skip it. it's not worth another headache to what i have right now - if there is such a thing.
here's some surprise today. after our talk last night, kala ko di na kami mag-uusap ever. pero he sent me a private message. so usap na naman kami. this time he asked if i want to be his gf. whatdafuck! antagal kong hinintay na itanong nya sa akin yan nung araw pero di masabisabi. ngayon pa na mahirap nang paniwalaan. why now? dahil nasabi ko nang mahal ko siya? ngayon pa siya mag aaylabyu dahil sinabi ko na ring lab ko siya? he's playing me so darn much. sapakin ko kaya siya? anong kala niya sa akin? sirang sira? kainis. di ko sinagot tanong niya. lumabas lahat ng cynical thoughts ko. sinabi ko lahat. ngayon pa ba ako mahihiya? ngayong pang wala na akong itinatago? i know naguguluhan siya. kasi gusto niya ganun pa rin kami ng dati. kasi ayaw niyang lumayo ako. and he thinks he can get me by asking me to be his gf. potah! baka mag work nga. hahaha.
di natapos usapan namin. nasa work kasi siya. to be continued daw mamaya. suspense na naman.
makapaligo na nga. it's 1pm and i smell shit.
ikaw at ako
palagi tayong nag-uusap
palagi as in gabi-gabi
minsan umaabot pa tayo ng umaga
me weekend nga na buong araw tayong nag-usap
kahit nga nasa work tayo
nakukuha pa rin nating mag-usap
ang saya ko pag nag-uusap tayo
ang saya ko pag naririnig ko boses mo
ang saya ko pag naaaliw ka sa 'kin
ang saya ko pag sinasabi mong miss mo 'ko
ang saya ko pag nilalambing mo 'ko
ang saya ko pag hinahug mo 'ko
o kinikiss
ang saya saya ko
bakit kaya?
bakit kaya namimiss kita?
bakit ikaw na lang lagi sa isip ko?
bakit paggising ko ikaw na agad naiisip ko?
ganun ka rin kaya?
namimiss mo rin kaya ako?
naiisip mo rin kaya ako?
pagkagising mo?
sa work?
sa bus?
ewan ko
di ko alam kung bakit
lam ko lang masaya ako
bahala na
bayaan ko na lang
di naman siguro to masama di ba?
wala naman tayong ginagawang masama di ba?
nalilito ako
bakit ako nalilito?
di na kasi ako sanay sa ganito
yung me tumatawag araw-araw
yung nilalambing
sabi mo friends tayo
pero bakit ganun?
di ko maintindihan
yung nafefeel ko
bakit namimiss kita ng ganito?
bakit iniisip kita ng ganito?
hindi naman ito normal
for just friends
hindi ako sanay ng ganito
di ako sanay sa style mo
nakakalito style mo
minsan nakita kitang me kausap na iba
ang sweet sweet nyo
parang sumakit yung heart ko
ba't ganun?
minsan din di mo ko pinansin
di ka rin tumawag
nalungkot ako
gusto kong magtampo
pero naisip ko
bakit ako magtatampo?
ano bang nagawa mong dapat kong ipagtampo?
wala naman di ba?
lalo akong nalito
nagising ako
sumakit yung heart ko
gusto kong magtampo
pero di dapat
wala akong right
nagising ako
kaya naisip ko
layuan muna kita
dahan dahan
para naman di masyadong shock
sa akin o sayo
naisip ko
di mo rin naman mapapansin
alam ko ganyan ka lang talaga
friendly
nasabi mo nga rin sakin yan
me kwento ka pa nga
na namis-interpret ka nung girl
sa friendliness mo
naisip ko
parang ako na rin yata ngayon
namimis-interpret ko na yata kabaitan mo
o paglalambing mo
yung mga hugs mo
yung mga kiss mo
dahan dahan lang
sabi ko nga sayo
para kang bagyong dumating sa buhay ko
na disturb mo balance ko
kung sira man ako noon
lalong akong naging sira ngayon
pero at least sirang masaya
napansin ko na rin lang
dumadalang na tawag mo
di na tayo nag-uusap palagi
di ka na rin naglalambing
wala ng hugs
wala ng kiss
ewan ko
pero napansin ko
parang cold ka na
siguro nga
o sensi lang talaga ako
nalungkot ako
pero mabuti na rin siguro yon
hayaan na lang
ganyan talaga
me katapusan
lahat ng kaligayahan
o kalungkutan
kung malungkot man ako ngayon
sasaya rin siguro ako bukas
hihintayin ko na lang
ang bukas ko
hinayaan ko na lang
mawawala rin naman
in time
kaya praktis ako
na parang wala ka
kahit andyan ka
ok rin na naging cold ka
nakatulong yun
usap pa rin tayo
pero di na gaya ng dati
minsan na lang
nonsense na rin
wala ka nang masabi sakin
wala rin akong masabi sayo
unti unti
nawawala na ang hangin
nawawala na ang ulan
humuhupa na yata ang bagyo
ngunit kung kelan medyo ok na
bumalik ka ulit
tangina naman
bakit ganun?
pagbalik mo
me patanongtanong ka pa
kung bakit ako nagbago
sabi mo pa
parang more than friends tayo
pootah!
hay naku
di ko na talaga alam
kung ano ang gagawin
masakit na naman heart ko
di ko na lang pinapansin
tanginang heart na to
andaling mabola
andaling maloko
andaling magmahal
mahal nga ba kita?
yan di ko masagot
di ko nga ba masagot?
o ayaw ko lang sagutin?
kasi di ko gusto ang sagot
di pa kita nakita
di ko alam kung totoo ka
pwede ba naman yun?
mahalin ang taong di mo pa nakita?
ang hirap
pinabayaan ko kasi
inander-estimate ko yung phone
tanginang telepono
kasalanan ng phone
ngayon eto na naman ako
torn
confused
hayaan ko na lang siguro
di pa naman for real
baka mawala rin
in time
magsawa ka
o kaya ako
kung hindi man
kung malaman ko man
kung maintindihan ko na
kung ano talaga
kung anuman
kung mahal kita
kung mangyari man
lalayo ako
isang araw
sana maintindihan mo
sensya na.
horoscope 11.10 - 11.16
I'm not fond of horoscopes but sometimes you get a kick out of the predictions you get. So here's what I found out for last week.
Leo Horoscope
Nov 10, 2004 - Nov 16, 2004
Leo, to avoid misunderstandings take care to say what you mean. Communications can easily get muddled now. Do not assume your messages are clear.
I think that hit me. Patai patai. Whatever. I'll leave things as it be.
***
Survivor is now one tribe and I have only seen it twice this season. The Amazing Race started last week and I missed it. Grrrr. School is interrupting my TV time. Wehehe.
School was still school last night. Booooring! But Marilyn and I made some funny times talking while the class was ongoing. Hehe. I know I know we're bad. But who can blame us if we're just trying any means to keep our eyes open - which in this case is talking - about sex! Hahaha. When you get bored, talk about sex and it always makes your day. Hahaha.
istupida
i've been having problems with the tagboard. aside from the fact that
i can't open it at the office as the site is denied access, it's
making my page load really really slow. i have looked for some other
message thingys and found one that i will try tonight. hope this one
is better. +myfingeys.
i had a long conversation with my phone buddy yesterday. topic? sex.
hihihi. that got us both really interested. it was funny at first
but in the end, i got irritated with him. napikon ako and na turn-off
sa comments niya. hayun! di ko na siya type tuloy. buti nga! it
only took a dumb line from him that reflected his true personality.
airy idiot dumbass. now i feel so stupid for ever liking him before.
eeeeww!
crazy me :)
i just bumped into my long-haired crush at the cafeteria. i was
heating what's left of my caramel macchiato in the micro when he goes
in. here's how our conversation went.
me: hey! *smilling big*
he: hey how are you?
me: good. and you?
he: good, thanks!
what the fuck?! yun lang and kinilig na ako?!?! hahaha.. soooo high school! crazy!
***
phone buddy update! tededeeeeng... we're friends now. i mean platonic. i have no more romantic illusions of him. sexual? umm.. maybe. hehehe. at least sexual na lang. hahaha. i'm just curious how it would go should we be given the chance for that. heheh. then again, i want him more as a friend, a really good friend, than just a friend with special benefits. sex will just complicate things. so that is really a non-issue. i can't be like others who can combine sex with friendship. i'm still controlled by my emotions and not by my body. oh well! manang pa rin pala ako. heheh..
hmmm.. maka da-moves na nga sa crush ko sa office. subtle lang naman. yung di halata. i have to plan pa my strategy. hehehe..
parang kayo, pero hindi
I just read this article by noringai at www.peyups.com about pseudo relationships. y'know. the kind where you think kayo pero hindi pala kayo. MU as they say - which i cannot really comprehend. how can you both have that "mutual understanding" when you can't even mutually decide whether kayo ba or what? friggin' nuts! for me really, a relationship is either black or white - no gray area. either kayo or hindi. and from this, i can say when you say na MU kayo, well, hindi talaga kayo! when you're in that state where you don't know whether he/she is your gf/bf, then wake up! you're just so full of illusions. if you can't say na kayo, then hindi kayo. "parang kayo." exactly! which means hindi nga kayo.
enough of my rants. so here's the whole article. and for ya all my friends who are in this kind of relationship, gisiiiiing!!! hehehe. i know you know who you are. =)
Parang kayo, pero hindi
by noringai
She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."
She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."
They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!
She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."
The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.
Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."
Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.
So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?
Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.
Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."
Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.
Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya… almost, but not quite.
movie marathon
i had a blast this weekend! i found myself alone at home so i decided to make the most of it. i like it when i am alone. it gives me some private time and space to be with myself and do the things i want to do without thinking if somebody will interrupt or what. i really should get my own place asap!
okay so i was alone at home. i decided to give my room a general clean-up. it's been ages since i really took care of my so cluttered room. and whoa! it took me 2 hours to finish it. then i decided to cook! hahaha. i am not a fan of cooking. i know how to cook but i can't be proud of it as only my stomach can tolerate it. hehe. but since i am alone, i had no choice. cook or starve! heheh. so cook it is! fried some chicken ribs (which really tasted good) and baked some mussels. then i watched a movie while eating. o di ba? a really nice setup.
speaking of movies, i watched 3 yesterday! chicago, the matrix revolutions, and before sunset.
i know i've seen chicago on a plane ride. i just don't remember what flight. basta on a flight. i don't know why but back then, i didn't really enjoy the movie. i didn't understood the story. i just watched because i wanted to see velma and roxie dance in unison. and of course fafa richard gere. hehe. so when i saw the whole movie yesterday from start to finish, i sure am glad i watched it again as it was really a good one. the story, the dances, the glitter and glamour that went with it. it's like watching an opera. a side note: zelwegger sure dances way much better than zeta jones.
the matrix revolutions. anything matrix is sacred to me. hehe. i know i know. revolutions sucked! perhaps because we expected too much. the matrix was such a dazzling original story that we matrix fans were expecting the next installments to be better and more profound. sadly, both were misses. yet that was also expected. nothing can beat the original as they always say.
my movie marathon ended with the movie before sunset starring ethan hawke and julie delphy. the story started 9 years later after they met and had a one night affair (from the movie eternal sunshine). and let me tell you this - i have never enjoyed a movie like this. just pure spontaneous conversational dialogue. it feels so real that you can't help but enjoy it. i never for one instant got bored with the dialogue. it was so smart and insightful and there were funny scenes here and there that really made me squeal with laughter. and through and through, i was eagerly awaiting and raring for them to kiss and have wild sex and get my happy ending. i can feel jesse looking for those openings. heheh. the story ended with them in celine's (julie delphy) apartment and jesse (ethan hawke) missing his flight going back home. so the end was a sweet one which leads us to think they could have ended up together or just had another one of those affairs again. i craved for more when i saw the credits. which leads me to see that after everything that i have been through, i'm still a romantic at heart. yes i am a cynic but i'm glad to know that i still have some romantic illusions left that makes me appreciate movies like this. or perhaps i just need my own one night stand and have wild sex with him again after 9 years. hehe.
so ends my movie weekend.
quizzzzzzes
did 2 quizzes online today.. hehe.. wala lang magawa.. =)
You are.. A Little Chicken!
You're a bit chicken... you take some risks, but anything worse than a poodle scares you. You're more likely to die of fear than a skydiving/bungee jumping/shark swimming accident :)
How random are you?
You're not at all random! Add some spice to your life! Give bananas to complete strangers! Whenever anyone says anything to you, reply 'Ah - but that's what they want you to think!'
--- both quizzes were made by alanna ---
high!
eeeeeeeeeeehhhh! hahaha. shit! man! i can not help myself
giggling! hehehe. hahaha. i am so high school today! i am talking
to my super crush and i am so high. hahaha. eeeeee. kilig to the
bones jud! hehe. ok stop! that's enough.
haayyy. i think i lost by breath.
disgusted!
i am disgusted at what i have realized today. i am a freak and it's friggin' freaky. i just want to hide somewhere, wallow in myself, and be gone forever.
indulge me. i just have to say that.
What kind of girl are you?
took this online quiz awhile ago. kinda true. heheheh..
I am Progressive Girl
Click on the picture below to read more:
Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com |
lalaland
rats! i was late for work today. hehe.. the bus driver told me he's
stopping for 7mins so i ran to starbucks to get my dose of coffee.
unfortunately, there was a queue and by the time my coffee was served
with me hurriedly putting milk and caramel in it, i ran and saw the
bus moving on. ow crap! 10 steps and he couldn't wait. blame the
coffee. since it's 20min before the next ride, i decided to walk the
mile instead. good thing i guess. my dose of coffee and a little
exercise.
while walking, i found myself lost in my own world (again!), talking
to myself, rehashing my past and dreaming of scenarios of how my life
should be. i admit i have a pretty lucky life to some extent.
although sometimes i wish for things that would have made my life
better and richer. but then again, if i had those, my life would have
turned differently.
here's a couple of thoughts i had today...
i wish my father was alive. i believe this has been my lifelong wish
since i had a mind to work. and if God really has to take him, at
least i would have had enough memories of him in my mind and heart
before He takes him. i would have known how it feels to have a
biological father - you know, someone to go to about boys and stuff
and when your mother scolds you. from what i can remember, whenever
my mother scolds me before, i go lock myself up in my room and cry and
talk to my father. like he is in front of me. wierd huh? showing
signs of insanity while still young. hehe..
i wish i was taken to study in UP. i would have taken bs in chemical
engineering and i would have been that engineer in san miguel brewery
today - or perhaps in another field but definitely a graduate of UP.
up to now, i still feel this pang of regret for squandering the
opportunity to study in the best university in my book. moreso
because i know that if i have been persuasive and independent enough
at 16, i could have gone to UP by myself. i still saw the newspaper
back at home with my name on the newspaper passing the UPCAT. hehe..
i guess my mama is as pathetic as me in this one.
this is not to mean that i underestimate what i have and have been
through all my life. i loved my stepdad and i appreciate his role in
my life. i can even say that i actually have shown more respect to
him than to my mother. he was a very kind person and i consider my
brother and i lucky to have him for a father instead. i also love usc
as my alma mater. i have lots of happy memories with usc. i admit it
took me long to feel proud to be a carolinian but at least i did get
to that point. just don't ask me to sing the alma mater song. i
don't know a word and don't have any idea how it sounds.
so where does this leads me to? nowhere. i was dreaming. wandering
where my mind takes me to. dreams are free so why not? now back to
reality.
S H O C K E D !
W O W
Ohmygawd!! I still can't over the news I got this morning. One of my bestfriend is getting married! Before the year ends! Imagine!! It's the second week of November and they just decided to get married!! Kayasa! They practically have only 7 weeks left before the year ends. Hahaha. How exciting!
Okay. That's all I can say. Secret pa daw tanan. Only me and her other bestfriend who I was wishing she would end up with (hehe) know about it. Yet. Of course, aside from family. Naks! Up to now, I still can't help giggling for them. Hahaha.
***
Hi Gail! Special mention tika so you would leave a message for me. Luoy man akong tagboard lay message. Hehe...
***
I finished solving our second bring-home test this morning. Thank God! I was thinking of calling in sick at the office tomorrow so I can do the test. Hehe. Just glad I don't have to do it instead. Still, I have 2 chapters to read before Thursday. Arrgghhh! Lisod ning estudyante bah!
***
Almost finished reading Safe Harbour. I was really surprised by the twist in the middle of the story. I didn't expect it. So it really made the read exciting. I think I have a couple of chapters left. I sense something is still going to happen before it ends. I just hope it's not going to be another tragedy. Please make it a happy ending so I can sleep well tonight. =)
winter huhu
got the first traces of snow today. huhuhu... winter is here.. waaaaa =(
***
to hide or not to.
i've been thinking of going public with my blog. most of my posts are really personal that's why i only give the url to people whom i trust. people who won't judge me by what i write as i know they know me better than this. but then again, everything i wrote here are all my own and represents what i am and what i believe. so i guess it's fair game. besides, why should i care what you people think? me thinks me sira so it doesn't really matter anymore. hehehe...
***
site update: tag on! i have a tagboard now! yey! pero way sulod.. hahaha. please please say something to me. hehehe.. maski hi lang.. hehe.. c'mon! pity me.. :( mugos diay.. hehehe...
i still don't have a guestbook.. am still looking for a good one. haayyy...
Insignificant Sunday
wahahahaha.. i just read my input yesterday and it really sounded so senti.. hihihi.. the result of reading a sappy novel.. hehe.. am currently reading safe harbour by danielle steel.
i was bunking in my room the whole day yesterday doing nothing. well - not really nothing. i did a lot but it seemed like they were all worthless chores which equals to nothing. nyehe.. ang gulo!
i woke up around 7am when i got a text message from my bro asking me to take care of his immigration papers. poor bro. i really should look into his papers. i promised him we'll pass his papers before the year ends.
@9am, i talked with my phone buddy apologizing for not answering his phone calls the other night. went out with friends to a pool/disco bar and can't answer his calls. we wouldn't hear each other out.
then i started started reading the d.s. book which had me teary-eyed even at chapter 1. my! i'm such a ninny. the story is just so sad that i can't help but be sad for the characters of the novel. anyway, here's a section of the gist.
Safe Harbour (Danielle Steel)
In her fifty-ninth bestselling novel, Danielle Steel tells an unforgettable story of survival - of how two people who lost everything find hope - and of the extraordinary acts of faith and courage that bring, and keep families together.
With grace and compassion, Danielle Steel explores the fragile bonds between mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, family members and lifelong friends. Her haunting, impassioned novel takes us across the complex landscape of loss -- to the blessings that arise from even the darkest tragedies. At once a story of triumph and a moving elegy to those who suffer and survive, Safe Harbour is perhaps her most powerful and life-affirming novel to date.
o di ba sad? i can relate to the story very much. perhaps that is why i'm such a crybaby while reading this novel. hehehe..
so around 9pm, my eyes are really bulging of too much crying. my face got red with the strong acid extract of my tears. good thing a friend called and we chatted on the phone about life and - well, life. hehe. secrets revealed and known. all for his and my ears only. hehe. um, i think i'm really good at drawing out secret information from guys. hehe. am keeping my mouth shut.
so my day ended around 12mn. sleeping dreamlessly.
something going on
men. when you get into a relationship with a man, one that you can't define as romantic or sexual or friendly, you get into mind games. and for you not to get burned, you need to set boundaries. yes there is something going on. yes you miss him. yes he misses you. then what? what about it? what's going on?
sooner than later, before i came to realize it, he has crept right through my soul. now it hurts like hell everytime i think of him. knowing i can't have him. knowing i'm nothing special to him. knowing i'm just a passing through for him.
1 month, 10 days. this relationsip has been bugging me that long. something is keeping us together yet something is holding us back. or rather, holding him back. coz i know that if he only asks me, i might actually go to him. might. that's the catch. there're no denying of the attraction. what's doubtful is the intent. is it for play? or is it for real?
i am giving this a timeline. at the end of this week, i will decide whether to continue talking with him or not. saying that, it seems like at the end of this week, i am deciding to let him go. coz i can feel that he would rather let me go, than actually make something out of what we currently have. sad.
letting go. the hardest thing to do when you feel that there is something left. something not yet done.
Creep
borrowed a cd from a friend and just thought of posting the lyrics for
this song. la lang. just reminds me of someone. ;P
Creep
by Radiohead
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
ACCESS DENIED!!!
shit. shit. shit.
'tang ina! grrrrrr!
after days of enjoying the bliss of freedom to surf any kind of website, horror comes to me when most of my favourite websites were blocked. dafuck!
ACCESS DENIED!!!
company rule: no browsing for personal use. personal use my ass! why don't they just stop this internet connection at the office! freakin' office IT! man i'm just so annoyed with this blocking thingie. what do they get from this? nothing. just super bored employees.
effin' company.
am bored
boredom begets misery
misery begets anxiety
anxiety begets depression
depression begets anxiety
*sigh*
for the past days, i have been getting restless and bored at how and where my life is going. i really don't know what to do with my friggin' life anymore. i wake up everyday feeling empty and with no desire whatsoever to keep going. there are days when i wish i would just die in an instant (no pain pls) so all of these boredom and misery and anxiety and depression is done and gone. oh well! that's me. crazy and pathetic. wishing to die this second, yearning for more in the next second. i'm sure God is freaking out with me. hehe.
***
"If you always find yourself in a certain bad situation over and over again, then you are doomed to encounter it until you learn your lessons"
- Gautama Buddha
talk about hitting me right through my forehead! hehe.. i think my friend Red has to read this too. uhmmm, just so she will learn her lesson too. y'know. like never falling in love with friggin' worthless m* men anymore. hehehe. attagirl! stubborn and hard-headed - like me! why can't we be just like other women who fall for dumbasses!?
