lalaland

rats! i was late for work today. hehe.. the bus driver told me he's
stopping for 7mins so i ran to starbucks to get my dose of coffee.
unfortunately, there was a queue and by the time my coffee was served
with me hurriedly putting milk and caramel in it, i ran and saw the
bus moving on. ow crap! 10 steps and he couldn't wait. blame the
coffee. since it's 20min before the next ride, i decided to walk the
mile instead. good thing i guess. my dose of coffee and a little
exercise.

while walking, i found myself lost in my own world (again!), talking
to myself, rehashing my past and dreaming of scenarios of how my life
should be. i admit i have a pretty lucky life to some extent.
although sometimes i wish for things that would have made my life
better and richer. but then again, if i had those, my life would have
turned differently.

here's a couple of thoughts i had today...

i wish my father was alive. i believe this has been my lifelong wish
since i had a mind to work. and if God really has to take him, at
least i would have had enough memories of him in my mind and heart
before He takes him. i would have known how it feels to have a
biological father - you know, someone to go to about boys and stuff
and when your mother scolds you. from what i can remember, whenever
my mother scolds me before, i go lock myself up in my room and cry and
talk to my father. like he is in front of me. wierd huh? showing
signs of insanity while still young. hehe..

i wish i was taken to study in UP. i would have taken bs in chemical
engineering and i would have been that engineer in san miguel brewery
today - or perhaps in another field but definitely a graduate of UP.
up to now, i still feel this pang of regret for squandering the
opportunity to study in the best university in my book. moreso
because i know that if i have been persuasive and independent enough
at 16, i could have gone to UP by myself. i still saw the newspaper
back at home with my name on the newspaper passing the UPCAT. hehe..
i guess my mama is as pathetic as me in this one.

this is not to mean that i underestimate what i have and have been
through all my life. i loved my stepdad and i appreciate his role in
my life. i can even say that i actually have shown more respect to
him than to my mother. he was a very kind person and i consider my
brother and i lucky to have him for a father instead. i also love usc
as my alma mater. i have lots of happy memories with usc. i admit it
took me long to feel proud to be a carolinian but at least i did get
to that point. just don't ask me to sing the alma mater song. i
don't know a word and don't have any idea how it sounds.

so where does this leads me to? nowhere. i was dreaming. wandering
where my mind takes me to. dreams are free so why not? now back to
reality.